The Planner

This morning I had decided to wash my car. I had wanted to wash it throughly, polish it, apply rain X, clean the interior, shine the tires and rims. It was the perfect day to do so. I was happy that finally, I can get to clean my car after planning to do so for so long.I was happy, that I had great music to keep me company while I was doing so.

Just as I finished washing the car and preparing the next step of polishing, my neighbour appeared and called out to me. Shes a really sweet old lady. Often we would meet on the road and take a stroll together, where she would share wonderful stories about God in her life. Each time I listened to her, my eyes would be swelled up with tears. I would be inspired and encouraged.

Anyway, she came up to me and asked if i was going anywhere near NUH this morning. Of course not, i thought to myself. I had already made plans to do up my car today.. But before i could think of an answer, she beckened me to her and whispered in my ear her problem (of which i promised her not to reveal to anyone). Upon hearing her needs, I was in deliberation.Should I just tell her my plans? Or should I just lie to her that I was going her way.
I didn't know what went on in my head. But I replied. "Yes. I'm going to NUS. What time do you want to go?"

In the car on the way to NUH, she talked like she always did. She told me about what had happened, how God had been providing her with miracles in her life. I drove and I listened. In my head, I questioned some, I accepted some. But as I listened.For that moment, I was her. I forgot about my problems, I forgot about my fears. I felt her sorrow, I felt her joy. I felt her faith.

Just before we reached her destination, she told me how much she thanked God for me. She didn't need the lift. She could have taken the bus or a taxi. She thanked god that there was someone there to listen to her rather than having to be alone during that time.She asked me if I had a cold or something. But i didn't dare tell her that i was weeping..

It made a difference that I had a car.Without it, I would have missed the opportunity completely.

It was good to be back in a familiar place. Friendly faces and smiles seemed to improve my mood a little.
I met many faces.
To the aquaintance, I chatted abit.
TO the stranger, I smiled alot.
To the familar, i avoided some.

As i sat in the canteen, I planned to blog this down as well, hoping to relieve the burden of keeping things to myself. A friend whom I seldom talked to came along.And we began to chat, to share. I hope it helped you dear friend. Because at that moment, it was a joy to listen to your life. It was a joy to know that you found your direction in your life.

As we ended our conversation, i walked away feeling so empty.I don't know why. Was it sadness? was it joy? Or was it peace? Somehow I couldn't tell the difference.

I'm a planner and dreamer. In my youth, every eca that i was in, i was in the position to plan. I planned many activities.I planned many outings. I planned a great many things. I can't help it.
"When I go to bed, I can’t sleep for ideas dancing in my head. When I shave, I cut myself; when I drive, I take my life in my hands. And always because ideas, situations, dialogues are spinning and twisting in my mind. I don't know where I get my ideas. I wish I knew the trick of not getting ideas, so that I can have a little peace."Am i a planner or a dreamer?I'm both. And it is peace that I crave. But what is peace?

I've been planning so much lately. The unavoidable chain of events had happened. I had everything in control. I was sure of the outcome. Or was I?I wanted a certain outcome to happen. I changed and refined my plans again and again to suit my goals and aims. But to no avail. It is coming clearer now that no matter how I tried to prevent the inevitable, the inevitable has happened.
Was it God's plan or my plan?Faith can be placed on God, or it could just be just delusion on my part.

Can you ever plan to see a rainbow?

You cannot plan to love and love cannot be planned.
You should just love.

Moral of the story: Don't plan so much. Don't worry whose plan is it. Don't worry if its in God or its just your own delusions.Don't crave for peace, don't crave for comfort. Just follow your heart your intuition.

;)