Part 6. A slight detour

Followed my plans today to go Funan. Managed to get my stuff done.. (See my Blog entry under Computers …)
Just need to go and collect the stuff tomorrow and I’ll be set.
The company that sells the sea navigational charts replied me as well.. In supra broken English.
Sea Charts sold out. “New edn to be publicaton to be published soon”
Ohh wells… just gotta wait for it.

Proceeded to beach road… wanted to get my jungle hat. Had lost it 2 years back when I watched the lions vs Malaysia match at the national stadium… stupid match. Regretted going.. we lost 2-0. or was it 4-0?

On my way from the MRT, I encountered this queue by lots of old people at a block of flats. Took some snap shots. Disheartening sight.

Reached the army market soon after. I haven’t been there for some time.
Went into this bag shop.. This uncle was particularly nice.. very friendly. Was chatty and all that. Saw me with my camera and started to make small talk about it. Then he jio me this lens pouch that cost $22.. wah! So expensive! Then he deliberated, and grudgingly reduced it to $18 for me. Final offer he said Just for you. He was so nice and seemed so sincere. I almost bought it. Always liked it when pple are nice to me. But I wanted to check out the price first and said ‘later’.

Went into this other shop, the listed price was $13.90. The lady boss just smiled as I entered her shop. I bought it right away. I gave $50. She returned me $37. She says she’ll just charge me $13.

Went to visit this particular shop too. The aunty there would always recognize me whenever I went there. She used to tell me stories about she and her sister.. And how she helped to set up her sister’s shop in Clementi…
But this time I went, apparently she had forgotten about me. She was so consumed with SMSing that she didn’t look up at me. In fact when I tried to ask for some items, she wasn’t friendly and all, and gave a really bo-chap attitude. I’ve been buying stuff from her since sec 1. haven’t gone there in a few years. Memories fade really quickly I guess..

Jungle hat was $27. I bought mine 5 years back for $12. Not worth it.
Bought a hackerman’s stove and a green sling bag.
Ate duck noodles and drank sugar cane juice. Super nice sugar cane uncle.

Went to kallang river and took some photos.
On the way home, decided to treat myself to Taiwan sausage. Somehow it didn’t seem to cheer me up.
Tried slurpee too. But didn’t work.
Something was bogging me really badly ever since I stepped out of the house. Kept thinking about stuff, and especially with the things I saw today, seemed to make my mind go insane once again.




Did she ever love me? Does she still love me? Does she love him? Is her heart really with him now? Or is she with him because she is afraid to break his heart?

Do I deserve her?
I think I do. I’ve done so much… I’ve suffered so much misunderstandings, I’ve lost my friends… I‘ve lost someone who had loved me so unconditionally….
I’ve endured so much pain and suffering just because I wanted her. I want to have her with me. Do I even deserve her? Or does that someone else deserve her more than I do?

Some people are facing family crisis, like divorce or death of a parent, some may be rich souls all their lives then suddenly became bankrupt, some may be jailed, some family member who absconded with money meant for a critical operation for another family member.
How about the wife who lost her husband in a car crash, then her only son in a train accident? She has tons of insurance money, but so what?
Or the teenage girl who was raped by her granddad, then by her step dad?
Raped twice by the people whom she trusted the most.


Everyone has his own personal trials and tribulations. No matter how terrible you think yours is, or how minor you think other peoples are, each individual faces his unique and personal fear that cannot be compared with one another. No matter how we think we are going through the most phenomenal, incredible or uncontrollable pain. It’s how you overcome it that matters. And never rest in your laurels. Even if you do overcome it, you are not the king of the world yet. More trials may await you. Why not use what you’ve learned and gained, and share you experiences on how you overcame your demons. Make the world a better place, so that no one deserves to undergo the same experiences you had. What breaks us can only make us stronger. So that we, and others will not commit the same mistakes again and again.

What have I done to deserve her? I’m the luckiest person around. I have everything. I really do.
I can have almost anything I want.

But is this how you measure how 'deserving' someone it?



I’m a fool. I have fought so hard to get here.
Yet I’m sounding so confused once again.

But am I really confused?
I cannot be assuming, taking stock of the situation based on my own personal perceptions.
I cannot hide away from the truth. I wish I could but I just can’t.
One has to always re-examine himself, question his motive and question others.
One cannot live based solely on one fixed perception.

If she truly loves him with the bottom of her heart, I will have to live with my own emotions and my defeat. But does she? How would she know in the first place?

She had mentioned that she will not leave him, because she was afraid of hurting him.
But then, what about hurting me?
I am just forced to accept that fact.

She mentioned. What breaks her, she would do likewise.
Did I do anything wrong? Was I really weak and unsteady?

I will face it well, for there are those out there in worse states than I am. All I can do is morn and weep, but I will just have to rise again like I had in my previous relationships.
I’ve used to complain to God. Why me? What have I done wrong? And this has happened to me for so many times.
This time round, it is so different. This time, I had fought with every last breath in me to stay rational and sane. And I’ve come this far with my faith, with my hope. That truth will always prevail. But what is truth? It seems so obscure.
There're no complaints on my part.

Someone one told me, to win the heart of your girl; you must be mean and unwavering in showering constant love, devotion and dedication to her. But love is not selfish and it is not about serving my needs. One must be righteous and truthful in love. To win the heart of someone by action deeds or by situation, it will not last. Love built upon by truth, trials, perseverance and kindness will bloom, blossom and grow beyond ones expectation.

It is also not serving the other person’s needs. You cannot love someone because ‘he needs me’, nor can you love someone because ‘I don’t want to hurt him’. Should you even love someone based on his merits? Or should you love someone despite of his demerits?

How should you decide who you should love?
Or who ‘deserves’ your love?
Is it about rationality? Or is it about emotionality?

I realize it now.
It is neither. It is based on your heart.
If your heart is telling you what is good, do good.
If you commit yourself because of rationality, despite your heart telling you that it is wrong, you’ll be doing yourself a disservice and the other party too.
Regret and the conscience kills.

What is all this about? I really don’t know.
I’ve been treading in murky waters for so long.
What is to become of all of this?

Hope. Man must always have hope. It is never a defeatist attitude, nor a sign of weakness to face the truth. Hope is not over confidence, nor is it the emotion of a fool who has not done his part in chasing his dreams. Hope is not being conceited, not about being boastful. Hope is temperance, fortitude and patience and self discipline and courage to stay on ones quest for his dreams, despite the odds, despite the confusion. Hope is a journey, long and tedious. No journey is ever smooth and complete. There will be obstacles and difficulties. Sometimes you must take detours too, like now. But one must stay focused on the destination, if he is to reach it.

My hope still stands.
2 more days. But it seems so far away.

I don't feel God with me now.
He has been with me all this while! Where is He now? so queer!