An excerpt into my life

In response to Romans 12

I’ve read your message in Romans 12. I understand it well. In fact I’ve been trying to live my life like this.

I’m trying my very best to live my life as a sacrifice in your service! Or have I been only self righteous? I’ve tried to be pleasing. To be good. Really I did!
I failed miserably in one or two ways but the rest I really did try. You know how much I gave of myself. But that’s not the point. Yet somehow I still feel shortchanged. I feel inedequate.

I’ve not conformed to the standards on this world. I never accepted the rules of men and I always question them and try to live by my own rules as best I can in accordance to your instructions. You’ve always allowed me to see things; to be aware of my surroundings; But you never allowed me to understand them, except for several occasions; and you never revealed the true purposes and intent until the very end. You made me suffer by making me so lost at times and expecting that I find my way out myself. But thank you. For at the end of it all, the realization of your hand in matters offers some comfort. But right now I’m still lost. I have faith that it’s all in your hands. But please don’t fault me if I doubt you, or distrust you, or behave inconsistently from time to time. You gave me an ultra-sensitive heart that sways so easily. But you also gave me a strong resolve as well. I trusted you and followed you closely. You keep transforming me inwardly. You keep changing my mind completely. It’s tiring! Am I just a puppet in your plans/games?

I have a low self-esteem. I keep trying to be as modest in my thinking as well. And I judge myself excessively all the time. Yet you say to use our different gifts in accordance with the grace that you have given us. This is an all a contradiction to me! You allowed me to see through things. You gave me the gift of foresight. Having the knowledge, is a huge responsibility that I’m afraid to take. I’m insecure. I’ve low self-esteem. I try to be modest. But what you allowed me to see gives me the power. Such great power because with it I can change things. But who am I to judge others? Who am I to change things? What if I bend things to my will rather you’re your will? Who am I, I’m neither worthy nor capable to do your work. I try all the time to normalize the foresight that you give me, to be modest, to just accept that I’m just being too darn assuming. Yet time and time again they turn out to be true! Why do you contradict your words so? It makes me so horribly torn inside. I ask only for wisdom. And comfort. That I will try to use my gift for your purpose, but you have the courage to belief in it.


I admit I have not been working hard and have been lazy. I’ve failed to pour my heart out to you.
But I’ve been sincere all this while. Sincerity is all I have.
I’ve not served you with the fullest devotion.
In the past month, I’ve lost hope several times and was not joyful.
I tried so hard to be patient. I really did. You tested me to my limits. I’m glad I’ve learnt to be patient. But I’m losing this and it has slowly turned into tolerance rather than patience.
I’m trying to pray to you at all times.
Yet I’m at a crossroads each time. But I guess its just like this all the time with You.
You make me want to smile. Yet you make me cry as well.
Am I bipolar or is it just your doing? ;)

I’ve always blessed those who persecute me. In fact I’ve always given them the benefit of the doubt. I understand why they do it. And gave myself so many reasons to forgive them. And I do.But yet recently, there has been a trying time.
I tried to live as you said. In fact I feel so closely to the people around me. I feel their happiness. I know their sadness. All too well! I always show my concern to everyone, even my enemies! Maybe I did show too much concern towards one but I really tried to show concern to everyone!
Have I been proud? Have I really thought myself wise? You have to judge me on that.

"If someone has done you wrong, do not repay him with a wrong."I’ve always tried to do this. You said you’ll take the revenge and pay back for me. I never once doubted that. But I’m not even sure if I want that. But now whats happening in my life, I don’t know where I stand anymore. SO many times I’ve been so tempted to stray from your truth and take matters in my own hands. I cannot promise you anything. But I pray and pray you’ll take control of my life. Help me to strike a balance between using my gift, fighting for justice and righteousness as well as accepting your will. Its all so contradictory! Its so contradictory! But that requires faith. You always test me to my limits. Please don’t defeat me at my greatest hour of need.